


«ＴＨＥ ＲＡＩＮＳ™»

by KiraYoshikage



Series: Birth of a New Day [2]
Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Angst, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-02
Updated: 2017-09-02
Packaged: 2018-12-23 00:22:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,535
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11978199
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KiraYoshikage/pseuds/KiraYoshikage
Summary: reading old things you've written can be hard, sometimes for multiple reasons





	«ＴＨＥ ＲＡＩＮＳ™»

Lucretia looked around her room at the volumes and volumes of journals lining the walls. She had taken to reading them now, since all the other books on board had been read and reread and annotated so much that they threatened to overtake what was written on the page.

She took out the first volume, as she often did, and skipped over all of it. She knew the parts about everyone else's interactions with the animals of that first world. She found she didn't really care about them, either. Instead, she flipped to the final pages.

_It followed us._

_As we held council with the Elders, the building suddenly caved in. We ran for our lives, barely making it onto the Starblaster and escaping. As we flew away, I watched its tendrils coil downwards like lightning bolts, spreading and coiling around themselves until they met the ground, at which point they tensed up...seeming to grip the earth they were tethered onto...tearing away dirt and trees and animals and friends and_

_~~we killed them by God we killed them this is our fault! We did this! We brought them here, my God! All those people are now dead because of US!~~ _

_Is this going to keep happening?_

_Surely this is it, isn't it?_

"It hadn't been." Lucretia muttered aloud. She put the volume back and reached for another; its binding was similarly worn. She flipped to the pages she had memorized by heart.

_~~Today marks the passing of~~ Magnus, ~~he had~~ He's dead. I can't believe it. I can believe it, but I can't believe it. I don't know what we're going to do without him. He was a bullheaded idiot, but...he deserved so much better than that **horrible**_

The rest of the page was illegible due to tearstains smudging the ink. Seeing those stains now, she found she felt nothing but a cold, steely hollowness inside of her. After all, Lucretia knew how this story continued. She flipped forward to where the next year began.

_We...we got away and...the Light placed us all back where we were...along with Magnus. He was just...there. Black eye and all. All of us started screaming and went to grab him and he didn't push anyone away. He looked so distant, at first we wondered if he had come back wrong, somehow, but he just asked…_

_**"Guys, did I die?"** _

_We said yes, he had._

_**"Did...you have a funeral?"** _

_We said yes, we did._

_**"Did you write something cool on my tombstone, at least?"** _

_Responses to this were varied. Davenport, Taako, and Lup smacked him on the chest. Barry and Merle continued to clutch at Magnus' robes, trying (without success) to hide that they were swept away with wild throes of weeping._

_I...just stepped back. And I realized something._

_If Magnus came back...how many more of us could come back? Do all of us come back every time?_

_So now, not only are the people behind us dying, but we never will? What terrible justice is this? Not only do we carry those lives on our back but we can't join them if it becomes too much. We're locked here. This path is the only one we can take._

_We have to find a solution to this._

She shut the volume and replaced it. Grabbed another. Flipped the pages.

_Lup, Davenport, and Merle died today. Cave-in. Magnus and I had debated over how to get their corpses out of the cave when suddenly Taako cut in._

_**"Who gives a shit? They'll be back."** _

_And with nothing more, he wheeled around and kept walking to our destination. And all at once, Magnus, Barry and I realized that indeed, none of us gave a shit. Not an ounce of care in our hearts for the crushed and mangled bodies of our friends, lying underneath several tons of earth and stone. And we walked on._

_~~Is that wrong?~~ _

_~~What's wrong with u~~ _

_~~Who are we n~~ _

_I'm very tired._

"At least one thing didn't change," Lucretia said, sighing. Lucretia replaced this fourth volume onto the shelf and jumped as a crackly voice suddenly came in over the PA.

"Everyone," said Davenport. "I've just found a city here. It's almost hideous...the walls are made of some sort of white marble, and...Compared to how bad things are outside, it's sickeningly decadent. I'm gonna see if I can find a place to land."

As Davenport's voice died away, a groan came up from Lucretia's bed.

"Mmm...Lulu?" Lup asked, sitting up slightly. "Davenport really needs to fix the volume on that thing. What time is it?"

"It's either early, or late…" Lucretia said, her voice a monotone whisper.

"How long have you been awake?"

"Long enough." Lucretia said. "Too long."

"What are you reading?" Lup asked. "And how come these books aren't in the library? Ooh, maybe they're all the raunchy things and you've kept them all stored up. How cruel of y--"

"They're the journals."

"Oh." Lup said. Lucretia couldn't see Lup's face, but she didn't need to to understand that a smirk that was there had disappeared with one syllable. "...It never occurred to me that the journals take up a physical space. There are so many…" The bed creaked as Lup stood up and moved to stand behind Lucretia.

"I do a lot of writing, Lup."

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to belittle you," Lup said.

"I know you didn't."

"Lulu, can I ask you a question?" Lup asked. She put her hands on Lucretia's shoulders, then slid them down to cross overtop Lucretia's chest. Finally, Lup leaned her chin onto the top of Lucretia's head, giving Lucretia the sudden surreal image of a sloth hanging onto a tree.

"I get the sense you're not going to let go of me until you do," Lucretia said. Nevertheless, her left hand flew up to hold Lup's hands, almost out of instinct. As Lucretia felt Lup's rock-steady hands in her own, she realized that her own hands were shaking, almost violently so.

"Why do you keep writing in these journals?" Lup asked.

"Why…?" Lucretia echoed. "What do you mean, why?"

"Lulu, you're the chronicler of this little mission across the stars, but...I get the sense the mission has been called off since approximately two minutes after we took off."

"What?"

"We're not going back, Lucretia," Lup said. "There is no _back_ to go to. It's _gone._ So why are you still writing the journals?"

Lucretia said nothing, but rather put a hand over her mouth. Her stomach felt sick all of the sudden, as though all the hate and pain threatened to expel themselves out onto the floor. Images came to her mind: roiling bile; a tangible, physical hate, black as tar; and inside it all a terrible greasy iridescence that seemed like colors dancing in the darkness...stretching outwards...touching down onto the world below…

Tears were coursing down her face now. If only she could keep it all contained. If only she could keep it from coming back, year after year after year. If only she could remake the worlds they had left behind. If only she could remake home.

"I don't know...what else to do…" Lucretia said, words catching, choked on stomach acid. "I can't do anything else…"

"Lucre--"

"Besides, what is there even left of those worlds?" Lucretia said, this new sentence springing out in stark contrast to the pain dribbling out in the few words before. "There's nothing! If I don't write down what happened, where those places were, what's the evidence they even existed?"

The pained tears flowed faster and faster, and Lucretia felt Lup move-- for a moment, she feared another enormous slap, but it didn't come. Instead Lup circled around to Lucretia's side, crouching down to look at her.

"It's okay sweet girl, keep talking to me," Lup said.

"What's the evidence we were there…?" Lucretia continued. "What's the evidence that we've grown at all since we started, that we're any closer to fixing this than we were when we left?"

"Well, you got a hot girlfriend now," Lup said, smiling, but her smile was a bit awkward. Forced. She was trying to course correct.

"Not now," Lucretia said. "I can't do goofs right now."

"Sorry," Lup said. "Lucretia, you know none of this is your fault…"

"I know that! But we're not getting this fixed any sooner and I don't know what to do!" Lucretia yelled.

"Everyone!" came Davenport's voice again. "Brace yourselves-- the city is--"

Just then, the Starblaster was rocked with the impact of a rocket blast, and Lucretia fell out of that darkness and into a new one. One that would last 365 long days and gave Lucretia an inkling of what to do. A tiny spark that would blossom into a grand plan. Simple. Somewhat inelegant. A nuclear option to keep those she cared for safe.

And after that she was never again seen crying such bitter tears over being helpless.

Lup would never be sure whether that was a good thing or if, during the trials of that year, some essential part of Lucretia had been lost.


End file.
